Despite trying to be the best husband possible for the last 10 years, I have managed to screw it up. And to be honest, it was my top priority! This is seriously the only thing I have ever tried at and failed. The only way I started to make some progress in the right direction was to completely give up.
Sounds weird right?
I don’t mean give up on the marriage, I mean give up on trying to control the outcome myself through all this effort of trying to please her and make things right. I had to surrender to God and get on my knees.
To surrender meant that I had to admit I didn’t know what I was doing. It also meant I had to admit I was failing. That was a tough nut to swallow. I refuse to be a statistic.
Over 50% of marriages end in divorce. I was willing to do whatever it took to figure this thing out. So i started on the journey of surrender. I gave up trying to “do” and focused on my relationship with God. I realized I was making my wife’s happiness an IDOL, and that I would never maker her happy, that was up to her. On top of that, I realized how INSANE it was to think that my standard of success what her being happy all the time. That’s not even possible! Yet every time she expressed that she was upset, I took it as a personal attack on my skills as a husband and I justified why she shouldn’t feel that way!
What a doushebag.
Slowly God pulled the curtain back and I was able to see more and more ways that I was not being effective. Here is a list of some of the major things that jump out at me. Let me just say, if you are a husband that is frustrated with your wife because she is crazy, or you don’t get the sex you think you should, its time to start looking at yourself. She is trying to get your attention and she wants you to step up and lead her. That starts with leading yourself, and doing the work to make sure she is taken care of in all areas, not just financially.
The days of bringing home the bacon and thinking that’s enough are LONG gone my friend. In fact, I don’t think there ever were any days where that was cool, hahha, we just didn’t talk about it and people sucked it up and lived lives of quiet desperation instead of divorcing like they do now.
1) I was never home. My wife is a stay at home mom, who also runs a home based business and helps me with my business! It’s a thankless stressful job and there is no real adult interaction. She is stuck doing shit all by herself and she feels like she’s going batshit crazy. She is completely overwhelmed from my lack of taking responsibility for things on the home and business end.
2) I didn’t listen to her. She tells me what she wants and I try to give her WHAT I THINK SHE NEEDS. Not the same thing. Lots of times, I helped out doing what I thought was important but not what she actually asked me to do…
3) I didn’t make her feel special. I only started to do the date night thing very recently, and I had no consistency in when we would go out together before then. I let weeks and months go by, making excuses why we were too busy, we didnt have the money, not finding a sitter, etc. I never found ways to tell her I love her EVERYDAY like i do now.
4) I don’t show up when I say I am. I flake the fuck out and say I’ll be home and then shit comes up. It could be a couple minutes or a couple hours. This drives her nuts! This is why she can’t trust me. Not because she doesn’t trust me with other girls. It’s because I don’t keep my word.
5) She doesn’t feel she has a partner. I make a decent amount of money. She also makes a little money to help out. She does house stuff. She does budget. She pays bills. She schedules appt. She does shopping. She does cooking. She does clean up. She makes calls if shit needs to get scheduled. She does kids stuff. She juggles all her shit plus my shit because I can’t be depended on because I don’t keep my word. When I say Ive got it, she still has it in the back of her mind because I have dropped the ball in the past so many times!
6) I don’t let her “vent”. Sometimes life just sucks and she needs to talk about it and express herself. I cut her off because I take it as a personal attack on ME not being a good husband because I made myself responsible for her happiness
(I hate myself for that one) this is why she doesn’t feel heard, and that breaks my heart.
Here is the deal guys. I am not perfect. Hell I am not even that much better than I was, but I am on the path. I am aware, and I am consistently growing.
If you are in my shoes, or if this resonates with you at all, bookmark my site and stay tuned for my next blog where I will go into a little bit about how I was able to start to turn the corner. Again, I havent arrived anywhere, and understanding that I or any of you NEVER will arrive at a place where there is no bumps in the road is half the battle right there! I will say that I have made more growth in the last 8 weeks than inthe last 10 years combined.
Life is a game of peaks and valleys, and it always will be. Armed with the tools to navigate that terrain and the knowledge that you are not alone in the war is a great start.
Stay tuned and remember no matter what, never f*cking quit. You may think its bad, but I guarantee its not as bad as you think. You know why Jesus died on the cross in the worst horrible possible way to die, so we can never say yeah but you dont understand my situation. Guarantee it wasnt that bad. lol.
Love you guys. talk to you soon.
Coach CK
